Module 3

When to be sexually intimate.

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Version: 1.1.0 | Updated: 09/02/2022

Video:

Sex without loving commitment

Video duration: 3:07

Transcript for reference:

My name is Ike, I was born in Nigeria, I came to England when I was seven years old, I was raised in Manchester. I’m a virgin – I know it’s not the manly thing or cool thing to say but I’m grateful that it’s my story and, not that I didn’t lack opportunity, I had opportunities to engage, but something within me said ‘This isn’t quite right – sex is a big deal’.

The conversation seems to be, ‘Sex is OK. If you feel like it, do it. You only live once.’ And the pressure on our young people to engage at a young age is so much, it’s – I mean, when I was young, I experienced the pressure but now it’s to another level altogether.

We talk about the short-term gain, but we don’t talk about the long-term pain. And part of my message to young people is that ‘Listen, sex is great, however, in the wrong context, sex can open you up to a variety of consequences that you have to consider.’ Some of these consequences start with D – in fact all of them start with D. One of them is devalued: some people, after engaging in sex, their sense of self-worth reduces, ‘This person I thought you liked me for me, but it turns out that you just like me for my body, not for my personality, not for what I’m doing, not for my desires, you just wanted my body, it was a quick casual... act,’ so the person’s feeling devalued. Another D is this idea of depression. It’s a painful thing when you engage in such an intimate act of sex with somebody, and to you - to them – it’s just like eating food and drinking, taking a drink, it’s as simple as that. Some people enter sex with the idea of ‘Oh, I’m committed to this person,’ the other person’s thinking, ‘Nah, it’s just a casual’. So, this essentially can put people down a negative path of depression which is not helpful. Another potential D as well is this detachment, where we have people who are not really engaging in healthy relationships, rather they’re quite shallow and toxic relationships as well. Another potential D is this idea of disease. I didn’t start with this one because I know it’s a common one, but it is a very important one. STDs is a real thing – syphilis, gonorrhoea, it’s all real. And I think we also need to consider this as well. Another of the D’s that I like to explain to young people is this concept of being deceived, I think as a society, there’s a message that is coming out that is not really the true picture. I think we’re being pitched something that is not complete. And if we’re not careful, our children, the teenagers, the young adults in our society are almost being fed the information that it’s all well and good, casual sex is all well and good. But the reality is there’s more to consider.

Because somebody engaged in casual sex and didn’t come out with an unwanted pregnancy, didn’t come out with any diseases, didn’t come out with any heartbreak, didn’t come out with their family members coming after them, it doesn’t mean that you won’t. So, you can all go to the same path, but consequences differ. So, I want to also warn young people that ‘Listen, the people who might have come out and it’s like, well, they got away with it, it doesn’t mean you will’.

My message to young people is, there’s more to think about before you engage in this thing, for sure.

Video:

A better way?

Video duration: 1:03

Transcript for reference:

Boy 1: "I can imagine that sex with a person that you love, that has been the only person for you – I just think that would be better sex than anything else. Because there’s more to it than the physical side."

Boy 2: "I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with somebody and living with someone unless I was married. I think that’s one of the beauties of marriage, you have made that commitment, it’s a lifelong commitment. You know that no matter what – you are going to stay married to that person."

Boy 1: "Say you’ve got a girlfriend and you think ‘I’ll live with her’, but you never know what could go wrong. If you’re not fully committed to each other – if you’re in the mindset that ‘I’m with her now, but I could be with someone else in a couple of months’, then you’re going to end up doing stuff with that person that will ruin it when you do get a lifelong partner, a wife."

God designed sex for marriage

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

Genesis 2:24

Everyone has them
Not wrong in themselves
Control them before they control you

Sexual desires

What is the purpose of sex?

A loving bond for marriage

To have a child

Video:

Saving sex

Video duration: 2:45

Transcript for reference:

Husband (couple 1): "We both kept sex until marriage, which made our wedding night very special indeed."

Husband (couple 2): "Well, we didn't have sex until we got married and everybody these days says 'Oh, why wait - it's going to be great'. All this sort of stuff. But frankly it's better when you wait."

Wife (couple 1): "I always knew I would keep sex for my husband, for my wedding night. And it's great that we both kept it so we don't have a sexual history - no memories, no comparisons. Just us."

Wife (couple 3): "Dan and I did keep sex for marriage; and we set boundaries to help us do that. Largely because both of us, despite our best intentions, had messed up in previous relationships and had been sexually intimate with a previous partner. We both wanted to make sure that didn't happen again."

Husband (couple 3): "The fact that we decided to keep sexual intimacy for marriage made our whole relationship so much easier before we were married, bBecause it meant that we weren't distracted by wanting to go further and further and further. And it meant that we spend our time getting to know each other, and actually talking, and getting to know our families."

Husband (couple 1): "I think it's important for couples to talk about setting boundaries for each other. They need to both know exactly what those boundaries are and stick to them."

Wife (couple 1): "We need to be clear in how far we'd go physically, in things like kissing - would we kiss? And I would just say anything that is arousing or turns you on is a bad idea, because it's a slippery slope really. Especially when you're attracted to one another - you have to be careful."

Wife (couple 2): "For people who are thinking of having sex before marriage - I would say 'think long and hard about what you are involving yourself in' because it's about you as a person - who you are. And who you're going to be for the rest of your life - and what you want to be, who you want to be. And how important you are as a person - and making choices that have consequences which you may not foresee."

Why did the couples in the video think it was good to save sex for marriage?

What did the couples in the video suggest would help couples to save sex for marriage?

What other positive things result from saving sex for marriage?

SLIDE: What other positive things result from saving sex for marriage?

Give the class 2 or 3 minutes to think about and answer this question. Then ask some students to share their answers. Answers might include:

strengthens your future marriage
shows your husband or wife is very special
avoids the emotional pain of a sexual relationship breaking up
prevents you from getting/giving someone an STI
avoids unplanned pregnancy
builds up trust in each other

A worksheet which explores saving sex for marriage (part 1) is supplied for download: Saving Sex for Marriage Worksheet

Module 3

When to be sexually intimate.

Sex without loving commitment

A better way?

God designed sex for marriage

Sexual desires

A loving bond for marriage

To have a child

Saving sex

Module 3

When to be sexually intimate.

Other modules: