Module 6

Relationships: getting it right.

Boys Version

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Version: 1.1.0 | Updated: 02/02/2022

One very powerful emotion...

romantic love

Romantic love can produce strong and enjoyable feelings

But romantic feelings can also cause a lot of pain

3 Things that romantic feelings can lead to, if you are not careful

1. Going out with the wrong person

2. Rushing into sexual intimacy

3. Agreeing to live with or marry the wrong person

Remember...

Emotions can cloud your judgement

On an emotional high...

...it is difficult to know if the other person is suitable

SLIDE: On an emotional high... ...it is difficult to know if the other person is suitable

Often you feel something about someone but it is not based on reality. You might think that you want to spend time with this person, but would you really enjoy spending time with them if you did? Do you have anything in common that would really make time together enjoyable and good? Strong feelings can suddenly disappear, especially when you are young.

One important question you need to ask yourself is, "Am I consistently drawn to this person over a number of months or years?"

You may feel strongly for somebody, but it does not mean that it is right to get to know them more. For example, you may find yourself romantically attracted to someone who is already married. It is never going to be right to pursue such a relationship.

Be objective about the other person

Are they trustworthy?
Are they caring?
Do we have common interests?
Do we have similar values?
Is our friendship growing?

SLIDE: Be objective about the other person

Are they trustworthy?
Are they caring?
Do we have common interests?
Do we have similar values?
Is our friendship growing?

It is helpful to tick off some essential qualities when you are considering starting a relationship with someone. If this is done honestly and accurately (and it may take some time to assess these things), then you can avoid being thrown into an unsuitable relationship by your emotions, which are very subjective and variable.

Consider whether your attraction to somebody leads you to want the best for them.

Is your strong desire all about you and your own needs or wants? If so, then your motivation is selfish, and the relationship is unlikely to be good for the other person or to work out in the future.

3 Things that romantic feelings can lead to, if you are not careful

1. Going out with the wrong person

2. Rushing into sexual intimacy

3. Agreeing to live with or marry the wrong person

On an emotional high...

...it is very easy to rush into sexual intimacy

Temptation
spiral

What might draw you into the spiral?

Wanting love and security

Alcohol

Peer pressure

Provocative images

Pressure from girlfriend

Physical attraction

Loneliness

Self-image

Boys

Sex without commitment sounds attractive...

but in the longer term it is shallow and disappointing

Video:

Sex without loving commitment

Video duration: 3:07

Transcript for reference:

My name is Ike, I was born in Nigeria, I came to England when I was seven years old, I was raised in Manchester. I’m a virgin – I know it’s not the manly thing or cool thing to say but I’m grateful that it’s my story and, not that I didn’t lack opportunity, I had opportunities to engage, but something within me said ‘This isn’t quite right – sex is a big deal’.

The conversation seems to be, ‘Sex is OK. If you feel like it, do it. You only live once.’ And the pressure on our young people to engage at a young age is so much, it’s – I mean, when I was young, I experienced the pressure but now it’s to another level altogether.

We talk about the short-term gain, but we don’t talk about the long-term pain. And part of my message to young people is that ‘Listen, sex is great, however, in the wrong context, sex can open you up to a variety of consequences that you have to consider.’ Some of these consequences start with D – in fact all of them start with D. One of them is devalued: some people, after engaging in sex, their sense of self-worth reduces, ‘This person I thought you liked me for me, but it turns out that you just like me for my body, not for my personality, not for what I’m doing, not for my desires, you just wanted my body, it was a quick casual... act,’ so the person’s feeling devalued. Another D is this idea of depression. It’s a painful thing when you engage in such an intimate act of sex with somebody, and to you - to them – it’s just like eating food and drinking, taking a drink, it’s as simple as that. Some people enter sex with the idea of ‘Oh, I’m committed to this person,’ the other person’s thinking, ‘Nah, it’s just a casual’. So, this essentially can put people down a negative path of depression which is not helpful. Another potential D as well is this detachment, where we have people who are not really engaging in healthy relationships, rather they’re quite shallow and toxic relationships as well. Another potential D is this idea of disease. I didn’t start with this one because I know it’s a common one, but it is a very important one. STDs is a real thing – syphilis, gonorrhoea, it’s all real. And I think we also need to consider this as well. Another of the D’s that I like to explain to young people is this concept of being deceived, I think as a society, there’s a message that is coming out that is not really the true picture. I think we’re being pitched something that is not complete. And if we’re not careful, our children, the teenagers, the young adults in our society are almost being fed the information that it’s all well and good, casual sex is all well and good. But the reality is there’s more to consider.

Because somebody engaged in casual sex and didn’t come out with an unwanted pregnancy, didn’t come out with any diseases, didn’t come out with any heartbreak, didn’t come out with their family members coming after them, it doesn’t mean that you won’t. So, you can all go to the same path, but consequences differ. So, I want to also warn young people that ‘Listen, the people who might have come out and it’s like, well, they got away with it, it doesn’t mean you will’.

My message to young people is, there’s more to think about before you engage in this thing, for sure.

Video:

A better way?

Video duration: 1:03

Transcript for reference:

Boy 1: "I can imagine that sex with a person that you love, that has been the only person for you – I just think that would be better sex than anything else. Because there’s more to it than the physical side."

Boy 2: "I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with somebody and living with someone unless I was married. I think that’s one of the beauties of marriage, you have made that commitment, it’s a lifelong commitment. You know that no matter what – you are going to stay married to that person."

Boy 1: "Say you’ve got a girlfriend and you think ‘I’ll live with her’, but you never know what could go wrong. If you’re not fully committed to her – if you’re in the mindset that ‘I’m with her now, but I could be with someone else in a couple of months’, then you’re going to end up doing stuff with that person that will ruin it when you do get a lifelong partner, a wife."

Men who experience a series of uncommitted relationships...

risk missing out on the fulfilment of fatherhood

Even if sex outside marriage feels good at the time, it often causes pain later - especially if the relationship breaks up

Why is this?

The sexual bond is not designed to be broken...

when it is, we hurt ourselves and others

Sometimes there are associated painful emotions such as regret, guilt and anger

3 Things that romantic feelings can lead to, if you are not careful

1. Going out with the wrong person

2. Rushing into sexual intimacy

3. Agreeing to live with or marry the wrong person

On an emotional high and having been sexually intimate...

...it is easy to rush into an unsuitable relationship of living together or marriage

Living together or 'cohabitation': Does it last?

SLIDE: Living together or 'cohabitation': Does it last?

Some couples live together to 'try out' a relationship, sometimes with the intention of marrying in the future. But statistics show that, without a legal commitment to each other, many such relationships break down.

A study showed that "as an overall trend, parents who are married are more than twice as likely as parents in any other family structure type, to stay together"¹. Another study demonstrated that "among adults aged 16 to 59, 36% of first cohabitations lasted for less than two years... ...with 46% of second cohabitations" lasting less than two years².

A worksheet which explores saving sex for marriage further (part 2) is supplied for download: Saving Sex for Marriage Worksheet

Video:

Marrying for the right reasons

Video duration: 3:19

Transcript for reference:

"I've been married twice. The first time I was married for fourteen years and the second time, unfortunately, for just about sixteen months.

My first marriage ended because my husband was an alcoholic, and my second marriage ended because my husband gambled. I had sex before marriage - not just with my husband but with other relationships before that. Always ended rather quickly, and it was just all about sex and nothing else. No wonderful intimacy or anything like that.

Some guys - even nothing in common with them other than 'having a good time'. And sex seemed a part of 'having a good time'. Sometimes the only thing you have in common with a sexual partner is the sex. If you look beyond that - you probably find you haven't got anything in common.

Sex led me into marrying the wrong guy. Being sexually intimate with someone else confuses your true feelings for someone - it definitely does. You imagine yourself to be in love when, really, it's just lust. You don't really love that person. If you weren't so intimately involved with that person you would look at them entirely differently.

I did think that I knew my husband very well because we were intimately involved with one another. When you meet someone for the first time it's always really nice. They're out to impress you - you're out to impress them and everything's wonderful. You don't see any bad sides to anyone at the beginning of a relationship. So, we jumped in 'feet first'. We married very quickly and had many years to regret those early actions.

Despite the fact that I have had two failed marriages - I still am very positive about marriage. I think marriage is a very good thing with the right person. It's what your children need - to have two parents living together, married, in the same home. It's just as it was meant to be and as it should be.

I would advise young people nowadays to just wait. Don't be in such a rush to experience sex. It's not what you (read) in a book or what you see on these 'love' movies and things. It's wonderful thing with the right person, within marriage because that makes it right. But don't kid yourself into thinking it's ok - because it's not. You're just going to ruin your life."

Marriage and keeping sex for marriage is the best choice

Why is marriage the best choice?

Module 6

Relationships: getting it right.

Boys Version

One very powerful emotion...

romantic love

Romantic love can produce strong and enjoyable feelings

But romantic feelings can also cause a lot of pain

3 Things that romantic feelings can lead to, if you are not careful

1. Going out with the wrong person

2. Rushing into sexual intimacy

3. Agreeing to live with or marry the wrong person

Remember...

Emotions can cloud your judgement

On an emotional high...

...it is difficult to know if the other person is suitable

Be objective about the other person

3 Things that romantic feelings can lead to, if you are not careful

1. Going out with the wrong person

2. Rushing into sexual intimacy

3. Agreeing to live with or marry the wrong person

On an emotional high...

...it is very easy to rush into sexual intimacy

Temptation spiral

Wanting love and security

Alcohol

Peer pressure

Provocative images

Pressure from girlfriend

Physical attraction

Loneliness

Self-image

Boys

Sex without commitment sounds attractive...

but in the longer term it is shallow and disappointing

Sex without loving commitment

A better way?

risk missing out on the fulfilment of fatherhood

Even if sex outside marriage feels good at the time, it often causes pain later - especially if the relationship breaks up

The sexual bond is not designed to be broken...

when it is, we hurt ourselves and others

Sometimes there are associated painful emotions such as regret, guilt and anger

3 Things that romantic feelings can lead to, if you are not careful

1. Going out with the wrong person

2. Rushing into sexual intimacy

3. Agreeing to live with or marry the wrong person

On an emotional high and having been sexually intimate...

...it is easy to rush into an unsuitable relationship of living together or marriage

Living together or 'cohabitation': Does it last?

Marrying for the right reasons

Marriage and keeping sex for marriage is the best choice

Romantic emotions need to be underpinned by promises or vows

Marriage supports love

Module 6

Relationships: getting it right.

Other modules:

Temptation
spiral