Module 6

Relationships: getting it right.

Girls Version

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Version: 1.1.0 | Updated: 02/02/2022

One very powerful emotion...

romantic love

Romantic love can produce strong and enjoyable feelings

But romantic feelings can also cause a lot of pain

3 Things that romantic feelings can lead to, if you are not careful

1. Going out with the wrong person

2. Rushing into sexual intimacy

3. Agreeing to live with or marry the wrong person

Remember...

Emotions can cloud your judgement

On an emotional high...

...it is difficult to know if the other person is suitable

SLIDE: On an emotional high... ...it is difficult to know if the other person is suitable

Often you feel something about someone but it is not based on reality. You might think that you want to spend time with this person, but would you really enjoy spending time with them if you did? Do you have anything in common that would really make time together enjoyable and good? Strong feelings can suddenly disappear, especially when you are young.

One important question you need to ask yourself is, "Am I consistently drawn to this person over a number of months or years?"

You may feel strongly for somebody, but it does not mean that it is right to get to know them more. For example, you may find yourself romantically attracted to someone who is already married. It is never going to be right to pursue such a relationship.

Be objective about the other person

Are they trustworthy?
Are they caring?
Do we have common interests?
Do we have similar values?
Is our friendship growing?

SLIDE: Be objective about the other person

Are they trustworthy?
Are they caring?
Do we have common interests?
Do we have similar values?
Is our friendship growing?

It is helpful to tick off some essential qualities when you are considering starting a relationship with someone. If this is done honestly and accurately (and it may take some time to assess these things), then you can avoid being thrown into an unsuitable relationship by your emotions, which are very subjective and variable.

Consider whether your attraction to somebody leads you to want the best for them.

Is your strong desire all about you and your own needs or wants? If so, then your motivation is selfish, and the relationship is unlikely to be good for the other person or to work out in the future.

3 Things that romantic feelings can lead to, if you are not careful

1. Going out with the wrong person

2. Rushing into sexual intimacy

3. Agreeing to live with or marry the wrong person

On an emotional high...

...it is very easy to rush into sexual intimacy

Temptation
spiral

What might draw you into the spiral?

Wanting love and security

Alcohol

Peer pressure

Provocative images

Pressure from boyfriend

Physical attraction

Loneliness

Self-image

Girls

Affected by the idea of love and security...

so are tempted to give themselves away sexually

Video:

Pressure to have sex

This video is also used in Module 4: What happens if you don’t keep sexual intimacy for marriage?

Video duration: 2:14

Transcript for reference:

"I was fourteen when I started going out with my first serious boyfriend. He was older than me and he went to a different school. And just seemed more mature. He was quite charming - he was nice to me.

After two weeks of going out with him it became obvious that he wanted us to start having sex, and although there was just something that told me that I didn't want to do it - but I didn't have any kind of opinion really clearly formed. My parents hadn't really told me anything about sex - or when to have it or why to have it. I wasn't a Christian at the time, so I didn't have any kind of faith that helped me make those kinds of decisions.

And so, although I didn't really want to do it, I allowed myself to do it. Just because he obviously wanted to, and I thought that would secure our relationship - that that would make him happy, so I did.

I don't think that having sex with him did make him love me more at all. Our relationship lasted two months and it just fizzled out in the end really. So, there wasn't any kind of commitment or love behind that physical relationship at all really.

I think the pain of us breaking up was worse because we had that physical relationship - and had had sex. I think if you imagine two bits of paper that are glued together and then try to tear them apart, that's not a smooth tear; bits of paper stick to either side. And so, it's hard to explain but I think with that physical relationship breaking it does hurt inside more deeply."

Even if sex outside marriage feels good at the time, it often causes pain later - especially if the relationship breaks up

Why is this?

The sexual bond is not designed to be broken...

when it is, we hurt ourselves and others

I loved him...

I let him...

I lost him

3 Things that romantic feelings can lead to, if you are not careful

1. Going out with the wrong person

2. Rushing into sexual intimacy

3. Agreeing to live with or marry the wrong person

On an emotional high and having been sexually intimate...

...it is easy to rush into an unsuitable relationship of living together or marriage

Living together or 'cohabitation': Does it last?

SLIDE: Living together or 'cohabitation': Does it last?

Some couples live together to 'try out' a relationship, sometimes with the intention of marrying in the future. But statistics show that, without a legal commitment to each other, many such relationships break down.

A study showed that "as an overall trend, parents who are married are more than twice as likely as parents in any other family structure type, to stay together"¹. Another study demonstrated that "among adults aged 16 to 59, 36% of first cohabitations lasted for less than two years... ...with 46% of second cohabitations" lasting less than two years².

A worksheet which explores saving sex for marriage further (part 2) is supplied for download: Saving Sex for Marriage Worksheet

Video:

Marrying for the right reasons

Video duration: 3:19

Transcript for reference:

"I've been married twice. The first time I was married for fourteen years and the second time, unfortunately, for just about sixteen months.

My first marriage ended because my husband was an alcoholic, and my second marriage ended because my husband gambled. I had sex before marriage - not just with my husband but with other relationships before that. Always ended rather quickly, and it was just all about sex and nothing else. No wonderful intimacy or anything like that.

Some guys - even nothing in common with them other than 'having a good time'. And sex seemed a part of 'having a good time'. Sometimes the only thing you have in common with a sexual partner is the sex. If you look beyond that - you probably find you haven't got anything in common.

Sex led me into marrying the wrong guy. Being sexually intimate with someone else confuses your true feelings for someone - it definitely does. You imagine yourself to be in love when, really, it's just lust. You don't really love that person. If you weren't so intimately involved with that person you would look at them entirely differently.

I did think that I knew my husband very well because we were intimately involved with one another. When you meet someone for the first time it's always really nice. They're out to impress you - you're out to impress them and everything's wonderful. You don't see any bad sides to anyone at the beginning of a relationship. So, we jumped in 'feet first'. We married very quickly and had many years to regret those early actions.

Despite the fact that I have had two failed marriages - I still am very positive about marriage. I think marriage is a very good thing with the right person. It's what your children need - to have two parents living together, married, in the same home. It's just as it was meant to be and as it should be.

I would advise young people nowadays to just wait. Don't be in such a rush to experience sex. It's not what you (read) in a book or what you see on these 'love' movies and things. It's wonderful thing with the right person, within marriage because that makes it right. But don't kid yourself into thinking it's ok - because it's not. You're just going to ruin your life."

Marriage and keeping sex for marriage is the best choice

Why is marriage the best choice?

Module 6

Relationships: getting it right.

Girls Version

One very powerful emotion...

romantic love

Romantic love can produce strong and enjoyable feelings

But romantic feelings can also cause a lot of pain

3 Things that romantic feelings can lead to, if you are not careful

1. Going out with the wrong person

2. Rushing into sexual intimacy

3. Agreeing to live with or marry the wrong person

Remember...

Emotions can cloud your judgement

On an emotional high...

...it is difficult to know if the other person is suitable

Be objective about the other person

3 Things that romantic feelings can lead to, if you are not careful

1. Going out with the wrong person

2. Rushing into sexual intimacy

3. Agreeing to live with or marry the wrong person

On an emotional high...

...it is very easy to rush into sexual intimacy

Temptation spiral

Wanting love and security

Alcohol

Peer pressure

Provocative images

Pressure from boyfriend

Physical attraction

Loneliness

Self-image

Girls

Affected by the idea of love and security...

so are tempted to give themselves away sexually

Pressure to have sex

Even if sex outside marriage feels good at the time, it often causes pain later - especially if the relationship breaks up

The sexual bond is not designed to be broken...

when it is, we hurt ourselves and others

I loved him...

I let him...

I lost him

3 Things that romantic feelings can lead to, if you are not careful

1. Going out with the wrong person

2. Rushing into sexual intimacy

3. Agreeing to live with or marry the wrong person

On an emotional high and having been sexually intimate...

...it is easy to rush into an unsuitable relationship of living together or marriage

Living together or 'cohabitation': Does it last?

Marrying for the right reasons

Marriage and keeping sex for marriage is the best choice

Romantic emotions need to be underpinned by promises or vows

Marriage supports love

Module 6

Relationships: getting it right.

Other modules:

Temptation
spiral